I had a meltdown yesterday. The morning started off wrong with the Willow trauma and didn’t get better.
Scuba Man worked from home yesterday. Around lunch time he came in to my office, sat down, and asked what was wrong. He asked if there was a problem with him working from home.
I told him I was fine with it and asked why he thought that. He said he notices lately that when he works from home, I don’t seem very happy. He said I was much happier when I first got laid off. So, I tried to explain and the results were not pretty, lots of tears and sobbing. But it felt good to get it out.
What has gone through my head the last few weeks is the possibility of losing what we have worked so hard for the last 20 years. We’ve already started to not pay off the credit card so we can save as much as possible to get us through my unemployment. If it lasts longer than September, our savings will run out and there’s a possibility we may lose our retirement home.
It told him that I felt like we were going to lose our dreams for the future. Those dreams and goals we set the first year of our marriage. Those things we have striven toward for our whole marriage. And, I felt guilty.
I know that is silly. There is nothing I could have done myself to prevent getting laid off. But hey, that’s what’s happening in my head.
I fret more and more as time goes by. The job search is going badly. There is not much out there in my field in a town this small.
Scuba Man listened patiently and then set about putting my mind at ease. He basically said ‘so what?’ We can set new goals. If we lose the beach house, we’ll just have that much more equity built up in this one when we sell it, so we can find another retirement home. So what if it’s not at the beach?
He said we just create new retirement dreams. We do what we can today and not worry about the future. His job is safe. We can live on his salary. It’s just the mortgage on the other house that we wouldn’t be able to afford.
So, there it is. My stupid worry. Seeing everything we’ve striven for fall apart. It’s hard to stay in an upbeat, happy mood with that going through my head, but I’m trying. I’ve always been a worrier, thanks to the example my mom set. I’m worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen.
It’s time to try to stop worrying. There are so very many people in this world in much worse shape than we are. I have the love of a wonderful man, an excellent report on Willow’s health, a great family, a roof over my head and food on the table. We are truly blessed.
p.s. If you adopt a special needs dog, 3 months living expenses in your emergency savings fund will NOT be enough! But, it’s worth it… 🙂 You can’t put a price on that kind of love.