last night i had the strangest dream

I had a very strange dream the other night.  For the first time, I dreamed I was pregnant.

I’m talking big belly, soon to be momma pregnant.  Waddling pregnant.  Everyone on pins and needles waiting for the first labor pain pregnant.

I was so sad to wake up and find it was only a dream.

I have always wanted children, although I can’t ever picture myself as being a mother of anyone over the age of two.  It never happened.  It is the only regret I have in life.

When Scuba Man and I got married, we had talked of kids, but we never had any serious ‘yes we’re having kids/no we’re not having kids’ conversation.  It was talk in passing…what will our kids think of this?  Or, can you imagine our kids being like that?  Passing talk.

After being married for a couple of years, Scuba Man told me he didn’t really want kids.  Being insecure and rather stupid at the time, I went along with it.  I honestly thought that if I pushed the issue, he would leave.  Yeah, really stupid.  Looking back on it, I can’t believe I ever thought that of him.

Our motto became “don’t want ‘um, don’t need ‘um, wouldn’t know what to do if we had ‘um anyway”.  I would never admit that I wanted children once Scuba Man said he didn’t.

My mom, in all her infinite wisdom, said I would regret not having children.  She was a smart woman.  She was right.

I’ve heard all kinds of things about being a foster-mother, or adopting a child.  For me, this wouldn’t work.  The thing I regret is not going through a pregnancy, not feeling a child grow inside of me, not actually having a baby and holding it before it even gets cleaned up.

To this day it is still sometimes hard for me when I see something on TV about someone having a baby.  And, it seems there is always something to remind me, whether on TV, in a book I’m reading, or running into a dozen pregnant woman while our running errands.

I don’t know how to get over this regret.  Is it possible?

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16 Responses to last night i had the strangest dream

  1. Hi Shell,
    Your post made me so sad a tear rolled down my cheek. 😦

    • Seashell says:

      I didn’t mean to make you cry PiP. It was just something I had to get out after the dream I had.

      • “I was so sad to wake up and find it was only a dream”

        You are so great with your niece and nephew…

        It just struck me how lucky I was to have three, a girl and twin boys. I had made my mind up at one stage not to have any 😦 and I could be writing your words.

  2. barb19 says:

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel any better Shell as this is a huge regret to carry around. Does Scuba Man know how much you regret that decision now? Perhaps you should talk about it – it might bring it into perspective for you if you remember your initial reasons for not having kids. Just a thought. Talking is always good.
    I hope you can come to some kind of resolution.

    • Seashell says:

      Yes Barb, Scuba Man knows about my regret. It bothers him that I am having such a hard time getting over it. I’m fine until I get inundated with pregnancies and then I get melancholy. It’s something he doesn’t understand. Because of this, we just don’t talk about it any more. There’s really nothing left to say.

  3. Talking helps and all… But let me ask you honestly, is it too late? I mean, I dont know how old you are, but its never too late as long as you know.. um.. ..
    You better think about it and talk about it (with ScubaM) with fresh perspectives.

    • Seashell says:

      Ahhh, Alchemist, it is too late. I’m 50, and due to a medical issue, I am no longer able to get pregnant. But, I love the idea of it not being too late!

      • No worries. Listen to boyonabudget… 🙂
        I think I love my son the most and the other kids only after that, but it does not matter as I realise I love many other kids too.
        Read the blogs of your nephew and niece and I think they are great kids 🙂

  4. boyonabudget says:

    Volunteer to teach 5th or 6th grade Sunday school – that will cure you of the melancholy real fast:) Sure they are all cute and cuddly fresh outta the oven per se. But then they grow up and learn to talk and back talk and spend all your money and (need I go on?). Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than any other human on the face of this earth and can’t imagine life without him. But when his dad and I were married I begged for 3 kids about 18 months apart. WHAT WAS I THINKING????

    Enjoy your niece and nephew and continue to spoil them rotten and send them back home with momma. Here is a virtual hug (). Go for a walk on the beach and concentrate on all the great things in your life. Focus on the positive.

    • Seashell says:

      A hug and a smile! Thanks Kathleen.

      I do try to focus on the positive and my nieces and nephews make that so much easier. Not that I spoil them or anything like that. 😉

  5. Many of my friends talk about not wanting to have children once they are married, and I’ve always wondered if their current choice will change or if they will have the regrets that you just wrote about.

    But there are still so many ways to have children in your life. Often, the church nursery needs volunteers, and playing with the little ones is so much fun. You’ve also got your nieces and nephews. As a somewhat child myself, I can tell you that kids (and adolescents!) love attention from caring family members.

  6. Theresa says:

    I try very hard not to live with regrets but find it almost impossible. I never regret having my children, but I did have them for a wrong reason: trying to save my first marriage. Dan has children from his first marriage as well so when we got together we agreed there would be no more. I still dream about being pregnant, about what a child with the two of us as parents would be like…not having one together is definitely a big regret for me.

    Hugs to you! Sometimes I find writing about these things helps even a little bit; hope that’s the case for you, too!

  7. Seashell says:

    It did help, Theresa. I am amazed as to how much writing here helps with a lot of things. Just getting it out of my head makes a big difference.

  8. Don’t regret it you have us =)

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