I don’t remember why or how I got out of the practice, but I have tried to get back into meditation the last several days. It hasn’t been easy.
I use a guided meditation mp3. When it works, it works very well. When it doesn’t, one of two things happen. Either thoughts are careening around so fast inside my head that I feel like one of those lottery machines with the balls spinning around in them, or I fall asleep.
Yesterday, I was sitting, listening to the meditation and my mind was zooming all over the place. I was thinking about the interview I have tomorrow and what I need to brush up on before then. I was thinking about the fact that I haven’t found any jobs that I am qualified to apply for in over a week. Then I was thinking that I need to find a lawyer to discuss the implications of a short sale on the beach house if I can’t find a job. That lead to thinking about the houses and the home improvements we want to make, which lead to what we need to do before my friend and his wife go down for a long weekend at the beach house. Which lead to thinking about how I need a massage, as he’s my massage therapist.
Eventually, I was thinking about the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking and then I thought I should write a post about it. Then I started writing the post in my head, though I can’t remember now what it was. Eventually, I just gave up.
It was not a successful meditation.
The other day, Scuba Man can home from work and I was in a dead sleep. I had sat down to meditate and somewhere along the way I fell asleep. Although it relaxed me, I can’t say it was a successful meditation either. I need to find a less relaxed sitting position for meditating.
I use meditation as a way to quiet my mind. My practice is a combination of anapanasati (concentration on the movement of the breath) and mindfulness meditation. I use the breath as an anchor to return my thoughts to quiet and let them flow instead of dwelling on them, as has happened lately.
I know it will take me time to re-establish the practice. It doesn’t come immediately, which I think is one of the reasons a lot of people try meditation and don’t stick with it. They expect immediate results when it could take months to even achieve a meditative state.
I just need to sit back, go with the flow and get back my peace of mind.