a letter to my nephew

Dearest Brian,

Why?  That is the question in my mind and in the minds of every one else.  Father Len said it is something we will never know.  We just had to accept it.  I don’t really want to and neither does anyone else.  He said it was the same thing Mary thought when Jesus died on the cross.  I took a little comfort from that.  I pray your mom did, too.

I’m a little angry with you, though.  What you did was selfish.  Maybe I’m selfish for saying that, but my sister is hurting so much right now, and has been all week.  It hurts me to see her hurting so bad, wondering how she’s going to go on without you there.  You didn’t realize you were her rock, the person that helped hold her together.  Did you realize what nightmares she will have of finding you?  That memory will never be erased from her mind.  It’s not something a mother should have to go through.  None of this is something a mother should have to go through.  She loves you so very much.

Your children will grow up without a dad now.  Your son Brian is hurting very much also.  At 13, he realizes he will never see you again.  He may wonder if it was something he did that caused this.  As much as you loved them, Anthony and Lexie may not even remember you.  They’re too young, I think.  If something happens, and your mom can no longer see them, how will they learn of you?  Of who you were?  Of how much you loved them?

I wonder if you realized exactly how much you were loved.  You were loved so much.  I don’t think you knew that.  I wonder if it would have made a difference.  Not just your mom and your children, but your sisters, your niece and nephews, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and many, many friends.  I loved you so much.

You must have had an unbearable hurt to do this.  It is something I can’t even imagine.  I wish you could have shared that hurt with someone.  Were you afraid to?  Did you think no one cared?  So very many cared.

I remember so many happy times when you were younger.  The first fish you caught is my favorite.  You were so happy to go fishing for the first time.  When you caught your first fish, you were so excited!  You made your mom put it in the freezer until your dad got home from overseas and could see it.  I spent so much time with you and your sisters when you were little.  I loved it.  As you got older, we spent less and less time together.  Then I got married and moved away.  We didn’t see each other much at all except for holidays at Pops.  That’s where I discovered how much of a loving father your were.  Thinking of you holding Brian Matthew as a baby still makes me smile.

You looked so peaceful when I saw you Thursday.  I haven’t seen you that peaceful in so very many years.  I knew you were troubled, but I didn’t know it was that bad.  I wish I could have done something to help, but I know that I couldn’t have.  It’s a guilt that all who love you will live with for a long time.

Rest in peace, my dear sweet nephew.  Hold tight to your dad and your Buscia.  They both love you so much, as do I.  Look down on us all and watch over us.  I will miss you very much.

Love Aunt Shell

Brian Matthew Bancewicz
1983 - 2012
Rest in Peace

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11 Responses to a letter to my nephew

  1. Mona says:

    Absolutely beautiful words….Loved him and it hurts, so much.

  2. barb19 says:

    Such a beautiful and heartfelt letter to your nephew, Shell; I feel your pain, and that of your sister’s. He is at peace now.

  3. barb19 says:

    Have I missed one of your posts about your nephew, Shell? I was shocked to read your letter to him.

    • Seashell says:

      No Barb, you didn’t miss any. I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been helping my sister deal with all of this. This post came before any others as I just had to get it out.

  4. Butch Dean says:

    Prayers for you and your family.

  5. I also missed this post…I am so sorry shell.

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