the tears haven’t yet fallen

We leave for vacation in Mexico Saturday morning.  I have yet to get excited about this.  I’ve done nothing to get ready for this either.

We’ve done some things like grocery shop for the sitter and make sure we have sunblock.  The suitcases have been down from the attic for a few weeks now.  Scuba Man has gathered his scuba gear.  I bought a few new pair of shorts and sundresses (in a smaller size!!!!), but that’s it.

I think the problem is the events of the last 2 weeks.  I still haven’t really dealt with it.  I haven’t yet released my grief and I know I need to.  I can’t keep it bottled up inside.  I’ve tried so hard to stay strong for my sister.  But I feel it coming on.  I need a good cry.

It’s hard for me to release things like this because of Scuba Man.  He worries so much when I have a good cry session to release my emotions.  He gets over things pretty fast emotionally and I don’t.  When he thinks I should have and I haven’t, it usually causes a little discontent.

I haven’t been sleeping well because of this and I told him that I’ve had trouble falling asleep or waking up several times a night.  He asked why.  Ummm…hello?  Think about the last 2 weeks.  Maybe he just doesn’t realise how much Brian’s death affected me emotionally.  Maybe he thinks that the crying I did, when my sister called to tell me about it, was my release.  It wasn’t.  It wasn’t real at that time.

I don’t get over things quickly.  Maybe because I have no close friends with whom to talk things over.  Some things you just don’t feel comfortable about talking to family with, especially this.  It’s affected us all.  Most of the time I don’t talk to Scuba Man about a lot of what’s going on in my head because he tries to fix it.  He tries to fix it in the way that he gets over stuff.  That’s just not me.  Then we end up in a little spat or I get an attitude.  It’s the same thing that happens when I’m in an emotional upheaval and he doesn’t understand why.

I can see a point coming on vacation, if I don’t let it out soon, of having a few drinks around the pool, it hitting me, then going back to our room and crying my eyes out.  But then I think about how it might disturb his vacation and that may hold me back.

I only know I have to let it out, and soon.  If not, I’ll just continue to hold it all in and stay numb.  That makes me sad to the point that all I want to do is sleep, or just lie in bed and daydream.  Neither is really an option.

I feel a deluge of tears coming soon.

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5 Responses to the tears haven’t yet fallen

  1. Butch Dean says:

    Dis you know that God is aware of your tears. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
    (Psalm 56:8 NLT)

  2. Mona says:

    Shell,
    I am right there with you on this. I was strong for Cindy in Baltimore,but since I’ve been home, it has been harder, I cry everynight when I go to bed, just thinking of Brian.
    I am here for you, please remember that.
    Love you!

  3. barb19 says:

    I may be on the other side of the world Shell, but I am here for you too – any time. Pour out your thoughts to me, get them off your chest, rant and rave, it doesn’t matter, just let them go; you have my email addy. Better the tears come before you go on vacation than during.

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